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Mar. 4th, 2023 08:46 pm a lot has changed, and yet it still feels as if nothing has changed at all since i last updated this.
2020 was nothing in comparison to 2022-2023. this has been one of the lowest times of my life thus far, and i'm scared to find out if it'll only get lower. it's a bit of an undulation right now, especially since i finally went on medication for depression. apparently bupropian helps people with focus issues too, on top of depression, but heightens anxiety?
well, i'm dealing with anxiety for now but my depression needs to go away otherwise i can't even address my anxiety on top of my focus issues. the anxiety is caused by my lack of focus and depression and how it effects others around me, so honestly? least of my worries. even if it is pretty bad.
i used to think i hated my husband, that i wanted to leave him, but i think it's something deeper than that. or maybe i just fell in love with someone else and that's interfering with my emotions. i became addicted to a fantasy about someone who isn't available and it's effecting how i see my own husband even if he didn't do the thing he did in 2021. due to this painful fantasy, loving someone i cannot have, i cried nearly everyday with the guilt it all brought. sometimes i'd bawl for minutes at a time throughout the day, fall asleep in tears, wake up normal and start the process all over again. i kept this up for over a year. it was taking its toll on me emotionally and physically.
medication helped. i still need major therapy, however. trying to ween myself off this fantasy, to soothe a pain with more pain, is hard. i still think about him everyday. whenever i'm not actively thinking about something else, focused on a task, or something like that. it's horrible. it doesn't help that we are still friends though, and i am also very close friends with his wife. i'll never let this slip out. ever. i'd rather die than hurt her
and i'm also moving to hayward. it's seven hours north, so there will be plenty of distance. there will be no looking out the window, going to the store, driving around town and hoping to maybe see him (i never do, i only did once and that was before we became friends). i hope it'll heal my heart. it feels like my heart breaks everyday whenever i think about him and i know he's not rejecting me, because there was nothing going on to begin with, but that's how strong the fantasy is.
so, yeah. 2023 started off as badly as 2022 ended, and it'll probably continue that way. but who knows...
2020 was nothing in comparison to 2022-2023. this has been one of the lowest times of my life thus far, and i'm scared to find out if it'll only get lower. it's a bit of an undulation right now, especially since i finally went on medication for depression. apparently bupropian helps people with focus issues too, on top of depression, but heightens anxiety?
well, i'm dealing with anxiety for now but my depression needs to go away otherwise i can't even address my anxiety on top of my focus issues. the anxiety is caused by my lack of focus and depression and how it effects others around me, so honestly? least of my worries. even if it is pretty bad.
i used to think i hated my husband, that i wanted to leave him, but i think it's something deeper than that. or maybe i just fell in love with someone else and that's interfering with my emotions. i became addicted to a fantasy about someone who isn't available and it's effecting how i see my own husband even if he didn't do the thing he did in 2021. due to this painful fantasy, loving someone i cannot have, i cried nearly everyday with the guilt it all brought. sometimes i'd bawl for minutes at a time throughout the day, fall asleep in tears, wake up normal and start the process all over again. i kept this up for over a year. it was taking its toll on me emotionally and physically.
medication helped. i still need major therapy, however. trying to ween myself off this fantasy, to soothe a pain with more pain, is hard. i still think about him everyday. whenever i'm not actively thinking about something else, focused on a task, or something like that. it's horrible. it doesn't help that we are still friends though, and i am also very close friends with his wife. i'll never let this slip out. ever. i'd rather die than hurt her
and i'm also moving to hayward. it's seven hours north, so there will be plenty of distance. there will be no looking out the window, going to the store, driving around town and hoping to maybe see him (i never do, i only did once and that was before we became friends). i hope it'll heal my heart. it feels like my heart breaks everyday whenever i think about him and i know he's not rejecting me, because there was nothing going on to begin with, but that's how strong the fantasy is.
so, yeah. 2023 started off as badly as 2022 ended, and it'll probably continue that way. but who knows...
